RAINBOW BRIGHT, PART I (part II and III to come as soon as I’m home with natural sunlight to take pictures. poor lighting = sad pictures = unhappy Ashley. Get ready for rainbow mustaches and a buzzed haircut)
It has been a rough week. Mostly, it has been a rough winter. Here are some of my attempts at saving my rotting happiness and soul. Enjoy!
END OF THE TRAIL
2012 “begins” with the completion of my first (and potentially last) tattoo. The pictures don’t really do it justice, especially because it was finished 2 days ago and is healing so it looks all pixel-like. I’m super excited to see it in 3 weeks. I’m also way too excited to be able to wash it with soap in the shower, and to not feel the scaly skin stick to my shirts and jacket. The outline and clouds certainly hurt during my first session 3 months ago, but oh my, I really wasn’t expecting the amount of pain I had for this session. Imagine rubbing sand paper over the worst sunburn you’ve ever had (or can picture). Happy thoughts, huh? :)
Even thought it’s officially 2012, I still feel like most things in my life are in limbo at the moment. ahem;
1) I’m no longer on crutches for my broken foot! But my foot isn’t completely healed, either. I walked 2 miles this weekend, which is the most I’ve walked in the past week, and my foot was a bit sore but it didn’t swell. I’m hoping by the end of this month it’ll be completely healed. But again, it’s not officially “okay” yet. That won’t stop me from working 6 days this week, though, HA FOOT. (I’m actually a bit nervous). I’m ready to be able to walk for miles anywhere I please and to dance around without actually thinking about my foot.
2) Not completely comfortable yet with my new position at work. Most days I’m still thinking “the universe is playing some sort of sick joke on me and testing me to see if I can handle this bullshit”. I feel like I took the position right as the company began going through some serious changes. It’ll work out in the end, I know it. But I’m ready to feel a little leeway.
3) I’m technically going back to school….in a week. HA! I’m signed up for classes, but until I’m actually sitting in the classes for 2 weeks in a row, I’m not going to believe that it’s actually going to happen. I feel like some forcefield is going to stop me from being able to actually go to school this semester. Trust me, there really is a small chance I wont be able to attend school. Still waiting for complete confirmation. (Long story).
SO, until these things have officially been “wrapped up”, I’m not going to feel like 2012 has started. I need closure! And things to get just a tad bit easier. I’m a veteran when it comes to battles like this, but damn, I just want to catch a break.
HOWEVER. I have my health. And I still live in this fantastic city in my great apartment with my wonderful housemates. My lovely friends and family are still kickin’ around somewhere, though I rarely see them (must.change.this). And honestly, if I look back at where my life was this time last year, I have to laugh and be thankful as to where I am currently with my life.
It’s officially that time of year when Maine becomes swallowed by unshakable darkness. Most of us wake up when the evening is still lurking with no trace of daylight, and leave work after the sun has set. This can make any person feel crazy; forget about the (large) chunk of us who’ve already been diagnosed (more or less) as “crazy” before this daylight savings bullshit occurs.
Recently I was talking with a friend who has lived in Maine for years, but just headed out to Colorado for the winter. Upon mentioning my jealousy about his departure before the big Maine winter, he agreed that he was lucky, and went on to say how us Mainers generally feel like we can’t survive another winter here; but as soon as it rolls around we “hunker” down and push through it. This is a quite accurate description.
So, after thinking about the conversation had with said friend, I began to recall what my winters were like before I was on medication for depression and anxiety, to prepare for the season ahead. HELL. COMPLETE HELL. was all I could picture.
“Hm. Okay.” I thought, while attempting to do extensive research on depression and homeopathic ways to treat it.
***REMINDER***
I’ve been off medication now for 2 months, and am still functioning! yay! however, I’ve definitely been feeling way more delicate, unpredictable, irritated, anxious, and emotional. Things I know I cannot feel consistently during the winter season….if I want to survive. Especially while working full time, going to school part time, and walking eeeeverywhere. One wouldn’t think that walking (rather than driving) everywhere in the winter exhausts you emotionally, but it does.
SO, I’ve discovered a few things, and started acting on them;
1) VITAMIN D! huge necessity, especially for people in New England. almost eeeeveryone is Vitamin D deficient and should be taking a supplement every day. about a month ago I started taking a 5000 IU dose daily. So far I haven’t noticed any changes in my energy or mood, but It really hasn’t been that long since I started taking it.
2) VITAMIN B! apparently vitamin B deficiency plays a huge roll in depression. At my apartment we brew our own kombucha. This is packed with Vitamin B! I’ve been drinking it daily, and I have also been taking a…..
3) FOOD BASED MULTIVITAMIN! These work more naturally with the body and are more easily digestible. You don’t even have to take them with a meal; they can be taken alone! (which is rare for most multivitamins). A bit more expensive, but worth it.
4) DELETING CHEESE/DAIRY! Yes, apparently these can screw with one’s seratonin. Don’t quote me on this, but it’s something I’ve read. Therefore, I’m going back to being a VEGAN! Yup, back on the vegan track. I need to try to eliminate everything that is “potentially hazardous” to my poor, lacking seratonin level. It’ll also help me to stop eating so many processed foods, and to eat more greens which have tons of vitamins. AND, if being depressed is linked to all vitamin deficiencies, than this shooould help.
5) EXERCISE! I walk or bike to and from work, a total of 4 miles, every day. my job is also quite physical, and I tend to work 5-6 days a week. On my days off I go to the gym for an hour or more. I’m not sure if I can add any more exercising to my lifestyle. I’m going to attempt to go to the gym before work a few times a week for a trial, but I’m not sure how much it’s going to help elevate my mood.
6) SLEEP! most people know I’m generally a “grandma”. I’m in bed before 10 almost every night. I get at least 7 hours of solid sleep, for the most part. Some nights I have insomnia spells, but lately I’ve been completely “out” after falling asleep. I have Valerian Poppy drops that I can take if I’m having a hard time fallling/staying asleep, but I almost never use them.
7) ADIOS TO CAFFEINE, SUGAR, AND CHOCOLATE. Okay, I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to give up caffeine. I’ve tried it, and that makes me even more depressed. However, I’m not a huge fan of sugar/chocolate/sweets in general, so this one is easier. Again, apparently these things can screw with seratonin levels. something I want to avoid at all costs! (minus the coffee/caffeine thing. I. NEED. IT.)
So, this is the list I’ve been working on. Some of it is new, some of it is old. Either way, I figure I need to try every possible combination to beat this depression from hitting rock bottom. I’m really trying not to have any down time; rather, I’m trying to fill any time I have outside of work (and soon school) with positive activities/friends/new adventures/music/etc.
If you have any suggestions about anything, please feel free to send them my way!
Also, if you have time and are interested, please read this;
http://www.mnwelldir.org/docs/mental_health/depression.htm
It’s definitely encouraged me to continue on this path that I’ve begun. Maybe It’ll help you, too.
Some of you may have been thinking that my attitude has been a bit (a lot) different this past month. Aye! You would be correct in thinking so, because it has been. Why is this, you ask? Well folks, for the past 2 years i’ve been on a steady dose of 2 different anxiety/depression meds (5 years on and off)….up until a month ago, that is. the beginning of last month I went on a work binge and didn’t have a day off for over 2 weeks. That, along with my usual 8-5 schedule made it impossible for me to 1) see my psychiatrist 2) get new prescriptions and 3) renew my health insurance. I was literally forced to go off both of my meds, cold turkey. Now, if you’ve ever been on meds for anxiety/depression, you know how bad of an idea this is. If you haven’t ever been on any meds such as these, i’m telling you right now how bad of an idea it is. Fucking with chemicals in your brain without a doctors consent is a pretty poor choice. One I did make on my own, because I have this problem where I CAN’T say no if i’m asked to work. Somehow my jobs have become more important than my health. (I’m working on fixing this ASAP).
So, yes, I went off my meds. I’ve been to tons of psychiatrists and doctors about anxiety/depression within the last 5 years, so I feel as though i’m fairly educated about my body and how my body reacts to the chemicals i’ve been putting in them for a while. As my current psychiatrist has said to me before “if you do end up going off your meds, it isn’t going to kill you. You may just FEEL like you’re dying”. He was right. I did feel like I was dying! And like tiny lightning storms were going on in my head, zapping constantly. I felt extremely aggrivated, really tired, had negative patience for anyone or anything, and honestly didn’t feel like talking to anyone.
I speak about these things like they are in the past. Ha! No no, these feelings are still going on. Just not AS strongly as they were a couple of weeks ago. Insomnia has also taken a big part in this whole thing. I’m generally up for 3+ hours in the middle of the night. This also fuels my all around aggitation with life.
So, now you ask, what the hell am I going to do? I’m sure tons of you are secretly BEGGING me to get back on my meds immediately. To those of you who just nodded your head after reading that last sentence, I apologize, as I will not be going back on my meds. I know, run away now. Or stop, and deal with the fact that i’m a human who has been medicated on and off for 5 years and now no longer wants to be just another medicated american destroying my liver one pill at a time, while being in a ‘happy’ zombie-like state just to please those around me.
I understand that I do have a chemical imbalance in my brain. There’s no getting around that. However, there are other ways for me to help stabalize those chemicals, rather than just medicating myself with prescription drugs. It’s going to take more work than popping pills in my mouth once a day, but I am willing to figure it out. I just ask you all to please be patient with me. In return, I promise to be safe and not harm myself.
<3
Ladies and Gentlemen, I finally present to you the tattoo that I’ve been mentally and financially working on getting for over a year in memory of my dad who passed away in 2008. What was once an idea I couldn’t stop talking about, is now finally a permanent piece on my left arm! It’s not finished yet, and is going to take another session to complete it with the reset of the colors, but this was all John could do (I say that like it’s not a lot, but um yes it sure is a lot) because we have to wait for it to heal before he can go over it all and blend the outlining and shading together. It will be finished January 6th, though!
So, this was my first tattoo. I wasn’t scared too much of what the pain was going to be like, but I was scared of having a potential anxiety attack and possibly passing out. GOOD NEWS! I didn’t have anxiety or pass out. the outlining was fine and didn’t really hurt, it was (just like everyone who’s gotten a tattoo has said) just annoying. It only took a few hours to outline everything, and then another hour or so to do the shading. And then the REAL fun began when he started adding the color for the sunrise. A lot of the coloring is right on the edge of the most sensitive part of my arm, so I was definitely wincing when he started adding it. Because of the way we wanted the clouds to be, he needed to layer color after color over the clouds. I literally thought I was going to punch John in the face after the 3rd time he was going over some of the clouds. That is when I could feel my body tensing and semi rejecting the needles penetrating the layers of skin. To anyone who says tattoo’s don’t hurt, and that they’re ONLY irritating….YOU’RE ALL GODDAMN LIARS. at least layering colors hurts….a whole lot. I’m a bit nervous for the last session because it’s going to be all coloring and layering……but I’ll deal with it.
so there’s my two cents on that. and now I will spend the next 2 weeks having anxiety about whether or not I’m going to fuck up the healing process.
Thank you to everyone who has been so supportive throughout this process! I can’t wait for you all to see the masterpiece IRL that John has done so far. and if anyone is thinking of getting a tattoo and doesn’t know where to go, absolutely consider going to John Biswell’s studio Made-Rite Tattoos on Exchange st. both him and his apprentice Gemma are more than willing to sit down and talk with you about the tattoo and work with you to help design it.
to see more angles of the tattoo just check out my facebook page. pictures are plastered all over the place!
It has been a while! But I am alive and well! A few things;
1) I kind of have 3 jobs….sometimes. so free time is rare!
2) I officially own my own kitten-face now. He is a tiny white old lion-man with a handsome haircut. His name is Honig and he is adorable.
3) I turn 23 in 16 days and this is what’s going down;
If you look back on here to a post I made in February, you’ll notice an entry titled TATTOO TIME! Well, if you read through it you’ll see a photo of a famous painting i’ve wanted to get a tattoo of in memory of my father who passed away in February of 2008. Guess what’s happening on September 9th? IT’S TATTOO TIME, FO’ REAL! It’ll be my first tattoo, and it’s going to take about 5.5(ish) hours. That’s just going to cover the outline and shading. How much fun is THIS going to be!?
So, as a birthday gift to myself I’m getting this tattoo. I’m also throwing myself a birthday party the next day. And it’s going to be MUSTACHE THEMED! everyone is invited (as long as you’re respectful and nice. If not, i’ll slice a bitch and kick you off our property). Mustaches must be worn in some form or another. For my mustache, I was really planning on wearing that the photo above shows.
However, the first session of the tattoo is costing me more than 2 months of rent (IE; EXPENSIVE). Therefore, I am BROKE forever. Or at least until spring. So, If anyone is interested in getting me a birthday present, this would be it. Size 14g, any color, any shape. Just a mustache to put through my septum piercing. I can always draw one on, or make one, but how much more exciting would it be to shove one through my nose!? :)
hope to see you all at the party!
I’ve been forced to spend the last 2 (FULL) days horizontal because of a terrible back spasm/strained muscle/I’m not positive really, but it hurts a lot. The heating pad, Tiger Balm, and Ibuprofen have been my best friends thus far. Not only do I have this lame back issue, but I woke up yesterday with conjunctivitis. Let me tell you, I’ve never seen so much green and yellow gook come out of one eye. You’re welcome for that image. And, to top it all off, I’m sick! Needless to say, it’s been a rough and depressing end of the week.
So, I woke up this morning feeling frustrated because;
1) A car accident woke me up (the person was fine, don’t worry) and the car horn would NOT stop honking.
2) Still in pain.
3) Conjunctivitis has spread to my other eye. Happy days!
4) I was banned from going into work today, (understandable) and I really hate having to take days off and screw up the work load for everyone else.
5) Cabin fever has set in.
I hobbled around earlier trying to figure out what I was going to do with the 9 or so hours left of the day. I kept thinking “Take advantage of this! Write! Read! Play music! Catch up on mail! Sun Bathe! JUST DO SOMETHING!” but without any motivation, nothing peaked my interest….UNTIL, I put on a song I’ve had stuck in my head for a few weeks now, “Lost In Singapore” by Pearl And The Beard. Before the song had ended I was so excited and rejuvenated and motivated…pretty much anything positive that ends in “ted”. I listened to the rest of the record, and when it ended I went back to the top and restarted it.
This band is SO TALENTED. (http://pearlandthebeard.com/ / http://www.myspace.com/pearlandthebeard) A couple of weeks ago I had the pleasure of seeing them live (sadly only the 2nd time for me, although they are based out of Brooklyn, NY so it would make sense, I suppose) at Hog Farm in Biddeford (David Wax Museum and Jocie Adams (of The Low Anthem also played!) . Pearl And The Beard’s set was extraordinary. The energy and emotion they exert on stage brings me happiness and tears and goosebumps. It makes me so happy thinking that these 3 wonderful people joined together and created something so beautiful with so much talent. My wonderful friend Emilyn Brodsky (http://www.facebook.com/pages/emilyn-brodsky/13213450266 /http://www.emilynbrodsky.net/), best friend of PatB, had carpooled with them from NYC to spend the weekend in Maine with me. When the show ended, Emilyn and I got to spend some time with Jeremy Styles, Jocelyn Mackenzie, and Emily Hope Price (members of PatB). It was so lovely to talk with each of them separately, and also to watch them interact with each other. They have such great chemistry together. I think it’s a mixture of dry, sarcastic humor+pure hearts+glasses+great teeth+mind-blowing talent.
I could sit here all day and spew compliments about this band, but you should listen to them for yourself. I guarantee you won’t be disappointed. AND, if you’ve been feeling dormant, or unmotivated/uninspired/sad/insert anything here, this music could ultimately help you hoist yourself out of that rut. It clearly did for me, and look! I did some writing. I’ve already done more today than I thought possible. Thank you, PatB.
Easy to fall in love with;
But not easy to love.
—
(from; My Lost Youth, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow)
old obsession meshing with a new chapter in life.
